Everyone has an unconscious list of what we think are the best ways to show someone else we "love" them, "like" them, "appreciate" them or just enjoy their friendship and being with them.  The trouble is that these ways are seldom identical for both  people.

In his book "The Five Love Languages" Gary Chapman explains how different people have different expectations of the ways they think are the best for expressing love, liking or friendship. If two people are using different ‘languages' then messages of love and friendship can easily be lost in translation.

I feel Chapman's list of only five such languages is a bit too brief. I'm inclined to add quite a few more ways that people link together in friendship or relationships, and I've included these in my list below. However I acknowledge that it's still based on his five "languages" and what he describes rather well as the primary Friendship/Love Languages:

1.           Sharing words and actions that express friendship/love

2.           Sharing Quality time

3.           Sharing gifts

4.           Sharing Acts of service

5.           Sharing Physical touch

So what happens if whatever you think and feel are the "right" or the “true” ways to express love and friendship are seriously out of line with what the other person thinks or feels is the "right" or the “true” ways for them?  At the very least there are going to be problems with translation between the two friends. At worst one or both people might begin questioning the quality of the linkage and therefore the friendship.

There is no doubt that there are certain things each of us hope (or expect) people will do and say when they are connecting with us. The sad part is if they really do care a great deal about you, but that their way of expressing this just doesn't match up with your expectations.  They are probably just doing what they believe they should be doing, to show you their deepest and most affectionate feelings of friendship. But sadly they are using a "different language" to tell you about their friendship with you or how they like or love you.

Meanwhile you can be mistranslating at your end too. What happens if whatever you expect doesn't occur?  If you, misinterpret what they're saying or doing you may end up feeling that you are less of a friend in the eyes of that other person. But what you think and feel and predict, may or may not be accurate.  Remember, they still think they are expressing friendship in the way that has the most meaning for them.

Unless you tell them about the problem, whatever the other person is saying or doing will continue to be based on their idea of what they think are the most important ways to express love or friendship.

Here’s what it seems to me are a few of the things we need to do to communicate positive feelings about how we link with the other person whether it’s our friends or about a deeper relationship.

I like to think and talk about (and look at) these issues in terms of how they help enhance long term ‘friendships’ as well as ‘relationships.’ Obviously only a very special friendship is likely to include all or most of the different kinds of linkages described below. First I should explain that to me, a good relationship is just a friendship that’s moved to a higher and deeper plane. Each time another kind of linkage is added it enriches the friendship as it grows and the level of commitment becomes much more profound but “if it ain’t a good friendship underneath, then it ain’t a good relationship.”

One small drawback is that once you are aware of all these kinds of linkage you may begin to notice that some of your friends are not using as the same languages as you are using.  I hope that this article might make it easier for you to talk to them about this.

On the other hand once you are aware of the range of different linking languages you may find some of your friendships growing, strengthening, and developing in new and deeper ways than in the past.

Each one of the connections or linkages (listed below) should help develop a deeper and more lasting friendship or relationship.

However each kind of linkage is optional and a matter of personal choice,  You’ll also notice how each type of linkage though different seems to work in combination with other kinds. Each one helps enhance some of the others.

Obviously, it works best when both friends agree that they like using the same kind of linkage language, but it can still help if only one person uses it and the other person doesn't really feel the need for it. Keeping this in mind, it's important that you don't use this list to judge or criticise a partner. There are no right or wrong ways of communicating love and friendship, just ways that differ from person to person.

 
A.      AFFIRMATION, AFFECTION, SUPPORT, APPRECIATION
Sharing words of affirmation, goodwill, appreciation, love, liking or affection
Positive and mutual support, mutual kindness and empathy

B. TRUST  TRUSTWORTHINESS AND LOYALTY
Expressing and demonstrating mutual trust and trust-worthiness
Communicating and acting in ways that allow both to feel safe and comfortable about being in this friendship/relationship
Mutual loyalty 

C. PROTECTING AND RESPECTING THE OTHER PERSON’S FREEDOM AND INDIVIDUALITY

Supporting the other person’s rights and freedoms as an individual

Mutual respect for each person’s own individuality,

Each person allows the other the freedom and space, to continue living as an individual as well as within the partnership or friendship

Each person accepts and respects the other’s differences

Both have boundary systems and those systems work well for them when they are together

D. SHARING QUALITY TIME 

Companionship

Enjoying being together

E. PERSONAL  LINKAGES 

Emotional and feeling linkages
Awareness or integrated linkage
Non-sexual intimacy (both able to be vulnerable together and honest and open with each other in many different areas)
Energetic linkage
Intuitive linkage
Heart to heart (unconditional loving) linkages 

F. PHYSICAL LINKING

Shared activities (the active, doing things together linkages)
Physical connecting, touching, hugs 

G. THE MIND CONNECTION.

Shared interests (the “interested together” linkages)
Both enjoy sharing ideas, thoughts, information and opinions
Positive support , kindness and empathy, loyalty
Both are committed to maintaining the friendship (may be some hard work involved)
Supporting, honouring and aiding each other's personal growth  

H. PROBLEM SOLVING AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION
When a problem surfaces, the friends find ways to resolve the problem  that are comfortable for both, work for both, are fair and balanced, and moderate.
Little or no conflict over power and control issues.
Shared problem solving and decision making with open and honest discussion

I. SEXUALITY IN RELATIONSHIPS
Non-physical intimacy (sharing private or personal sexual information but not acting it out)
Intimate sexual linkage (if part of deeper relationships)

Intellectual sexual linkage (if part of deeper relationship) the “erotic mind” level

J.  SHARING GIFTS
Exchanging gifts
 

 K. SHARING AND CARING ACTS OF SERVICE

Caring, supporting and nurturing each other (but not caretaking)
Co-operation and compromise when resolving problems

L. SPIRITUAL CONNECTION
Shared spiritual beliefs
Shared spiritual experiences
Shared spiritual activities

M.  SHARED LIFESTYLE 

Sharing expenses

Sharing and experiencing own femininity/masculinity

Shared recreation

Shared activities with family and friends

N. COMMITMENT TO MAINTAINING THE FRIENDSHIP/ RELATIONSHIP
Commitment to work on strengthening the friendship/relationship
Commitment by both not to “pull the pin” on the friendship/relationship without talking about it first

These are only the headings. For more detailed notes on each heading  click on More about  relationships

People tell me the list above is often used as a way to make it easier for people who are feeling ‘not loved’ (in their particular ways) to talk about this with their partner, but I hope that it may also serve as a way for those in love to affirm their joy about just how many ways they feel loved. 

You might also like to read also other notes about relationships including LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.  HOW A SUCCESSFUL FRIENDSHIP IS ENHANCED BY THE GIFTS WE BRING ....The Love ratio...."Measuring"  a relationship The 90/5/5 rule

For  each connection for each kind of linkage, there can be varying levels of personal or impersonal connections, which adds to the complexity. Go to  Choosing personal and impersonal channels and  Personal and impersonal styles in a relationship

It's sad to compare what we do when we are unhappy or worried about things going wrong in a friendship or relationship. Often, we start making lists of things we dislike about the other person. Usually the next step is to tell the other person what we have on our list.

Unfortunately this is almost the direct opposite of the "languages of love and friendship" described above, so it can have a seriously negative effect on the future of the relationship. For example:

 
1. Judgment, criticism and withdrawal of appreciation
2. .Distrust and/ or untrustworthiness
3. Limiting or loss of respect for the other person’s freedom and individuality

4.  Avoiding quality time  together

5.  Losing personal  linkages 

6.  Less physical linking, touch

7. Less sharing ideas, thoughts, information and opinions, limited joint  problem solving
8. Reduced  sexuality (if previously a positive part of the relationship

9. Less sharing of gifts, reduced shared acts of service

10. Serious problems resolving conflict or trying to solve problems; increased conflict over power and control issues

11  Loss of shared lifestyle